glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
as a side note pls kill me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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