I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
handjob tips. give me some.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
