I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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