Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
