On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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