At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
