Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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