Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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