You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize