nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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