Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
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40s are totally the cure
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.