He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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