happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
