I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
