she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she smelled like a LAN party
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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