my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
