from now on my penis is your penis
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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