I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize