I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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