the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm too high and old for this...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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