I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
