Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
