well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My breasts were aching with rage.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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