Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?