I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
