and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
