he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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