Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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