All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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