he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
