Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
