Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
