I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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