I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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