the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
