come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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