As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
