when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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