anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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