Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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