I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
