dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
