As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
