i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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