I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Four minutes until I can fart!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
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