I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
