I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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