If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
