I am puke
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
