Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
