I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
