my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
