i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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