Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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