I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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